Of Vampires and Teapots

A few years ago, I missed the boat.

I wrote a book that had a lot of vampires in it; and whilst Stephanie Meyer has been so successful with that particular genre that it makes me want to smash something, my book was not a commercial success.

And yet, in my books, rather than mooning about looking all pouty, the vampires actually had a fine head for business, a good grasp of marketing strategy and business planning and a devious instinct for contractual laws.

They even had more exotic names than friggin’ ‘Edward”. Bah humbug, I say.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great unfairness re Ms Meyer’s bank account versus mine, I’ll just skim over the vampire facts:

  1.  Why  book on vampires? – I was at dinner with three others and they were exceedingly drunk. I suddenly had an idea for the greatest bestseller ever, and all agreed it was a sure-fire hit. In the morning I could not remember the idea, so I rang all my dining companions and neither could they. But one thought it was “something about vampires”.
  2. What was the ‘something about vampires’? – It struck me one day years ago that big corporations behaved in a  way that was analogous to vampires. They were old and big and dusty and creaky (both vampires and big businesses), so they sought out an attractive young person (or in the case of corporations: an energetic small company) full of vitality to bite the neck of (acquire) and incorporate into their pack.  But the act of biting (acquiring) changes the target and it becomes just another creaky bit of the overall creakiness.
  3. Why didn’t your vampires get it on? Shut up, Stephanie Meyer.

The upshot was a 20 chapter book full of fables and fantasies that were actually business parables, and the book itself was 20% pure vampire. The rest of the book had various con-men, thieves, genies and barely disguised portraits of people I wanted to get back at.

So, is there a point? I thought you’d never ask!

Yesterday I heard on the local radio here about the acquisition of T2.

I’ve spoken of T2 in the past.They are a bit like Teavana for my US readers, but having now been to a Teavana, I say T2 are vastly superior. Every tea is available to touch and feel, there are multiple tastings available, and unlike Teavana, they do not believe in a minimum 12 fruit flavours in every tea. (I still can’t get the taste of the Teavana Strawberry, Mango, Passionfruit, Dragonfruit, Asparagus, Blueberry, Raspberry, Jostaberry, Wolfberry, Berri Berri, More Asparagus and Pawpaw Anti-oxidant-rich Special Blend off of my tongue and it’s been months!)

Anyway, they are a cracker outfit, and although they regrettably dabble in teabags, they have gone a long way towards making Melbourne- their home town- the tea capital of Australia. I love them and loathe them, but the loathing has a reasonably large component of pure envy.

Anyway, they’ve been sold.

To Unilever.


Yes. Unilever.

Unilever descended in the night, swished through the curtains, bit T2 on it’s nubile neck, and swished off again.

Mark my words, it won’t be long before T2 stops going outside on sunny days.

6 thoughts on “Of Vampires and Teapots

  1. What the…?!?!?! Really?! Gawwww, I was not expecting that. UniLeafer strikes again.

    Time for a tea-ish sequel.

    Just remember, vampires CAN’T get it on because – well – they’re dead. Things can’t get it on if they can’t get it up.

    1. They want something good to drink too. And they better drink some good tea instead of my blood. As long as they leave some tea for me.

      Or does tea filled blood taste better than pure blood????

      Or does good tea work like garlic and they try to prevent people from becoming vampire resistant.

      Or will T2 now start selling Unilevers top product: Lipton.

Comments are closed.