Keepin’ it real

As dodgy as TV ‘reality’ singing shows like <insert your country here> Idol are, it’s still better to see great female singers front and centre, and not propping up some egomaniacal tuneless git with a jewellery fetish and a good dentist.

Good tea sings to your senses with perfect pitch; bad tea is an atonal whine

That’s not to say that the male singers on these shows aren’t great, but it seems it’s always easier to make it as a male ‘singer’ if you actually have no ability to sing whatsoever (I’m looking at you, Dylan. And Axl Rose springs to mind. And let’s not mention Lou Reed) or laughably limited ability (Jagger, Ferry et al) whereas to make it as a female, you have to be Adele or Aretha Franklin.

That’s not to say that there aren’t female singers so damn annoying they make you want to commit murder on perfectly innocent passers-by – that’s known as Streisand Syndrome  – but  that’s not the same as being unable to sing. It’s seems it’s always been tougher to make it as a headline act with limited vocal ability if you are female.

I’m loathe to criticise people for buying music that is spawned by people who can’t hold a tune or who are very poor at it – whilst my all time favourite act has arguably* the greatest singer ever, my second favourite  -The Cure- features Mr Robert Smith, who it must be said might hit ‘ordinary’ on a good day when it comes to singing. I understand that the personality, look, feel, structure, lyrics and emotional connection of music can touch something that you respond to.

But to switch to grumpy old man mode, we’ve now had at least ten years of track after track of some bloke reciting bad poetry over stolen music whilst a lady with a fine voice turns up to sing inanities in the chorus.

Was it ever thus? Probably. But it just seems to me that there’s such now a huge body of this, and for every Beyoncé  there’s a million 50 Cent’s.

At this point, I’m sure you’re asking “WHERE’S THE TEA” – we are nearly there.

But first: Ice cream.

Depending on where you live, it can be hard to get ice cream. You can go down the local grocery/deli/dépannuer/drugstore/milk bar/corner shop and buy something made by a multi-national that looks like ice cream  but check the packet and it’s probably “ice confection”.

This is because the treat you are buying has little or no cream. In Australia, you have to use 10% cream. In most cases, that doesn’t happen, so it’s “Ice confection” . In small letters.

“AND THE TEA”? I’m getting to that.

High Tea is popular right now. Let’s not have the argument about whether it should be called Low Tea or Afternoon Tea or whatever, we are talking about the meal where you turn up and scoff dainty stuff by the bucketload, seasoned with gossip and washed down by quantities of tea.

And I mean real tea.

Yes, I’m getting to the point.

High Tea with Tea Bags. It’s incredibly common, in both senses of that word. Hosts seem happy to dole out wonderful pastries, ribbon sandwiches, little cakes, macarons  tiny jellies, more scones than you can poke a jam covered knife at and freakin’ tea bags.


Is it part of the “this’ll do culture”. We don’t care if our pop stars can barely mumble or sign their own name? Who cares if our ice creams are made of starch and filler? “It’ll do.”

Or are people simply ignorant?

The next time you find yourself in a situation like this, help your host by throwing the “tea” up the nearest wall.

Scream at the host – after all, you need to be as helpful as possible, so you need to make sure they hear –“This is crap. I’m outta here.”

Depart through the door, looking back to scream “I’m keepin’ it real, dogs”.

It’s what Kanye would do.

*not arguably at all. Fact. I was just being diplomatic.

11 thoughts on “Keepin’ it real

  1. Wow! The Cure. They were the first band ever saw live in concept when I was kid. It was amazing.

    As for the ice cream situation in Australia I feel very sad that there is only 10% cream included. That is not ice cream. Be sure to have the good stuff while in Vegas.

  2. On that note I’m going into the kitchen for some Steve’s Chilli Chocolate Ice Cream with Rooibos sprinkle.

  3. So Australia is the land of “I know things are not what they should be but I will still name them and act as if they were what I said they were”?

    1. That’s pretty well everywhere, Xavier. For example, in France you have people called “Train Drivers” who should be called “Lazy, permanently on-strike bastards who drive a train once in a while when it suits them”.

        1. “…most of the time they drive their trains..” To get away from thedevotea as fast as possible I suspect. When they see him fuming on the platform.

          1. Not if it’s Montpelier. You can’t see anything in the litter-strewn dark. Napoleon probably owned the last official government broom in France.

  4. As far as I can see 10% cream seems to be the norm here too, in some cases it goes up to 16%. How much cream do you want in your frozen stuff @iheartteas? 😛
    I haven’t had any sort of official afternoon tea in a long time, but when I did it was never with tea bags. I guess I’ve been lucky.
    @jopj your ice cream sounds interesting. I’ll look that up. The rooibos I guess is your own addition.

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