The following is a Sony Pictures corporate email our friends at the North Korean Embassy have forwarded to us, along with a note that they did not hack it and merely found it on a bench at a bus stop in Pyongyang.
To: Senior Executive Team
From: Michael Lynton, CEO, Sony Pictures USA
November 1st, 2014
Subject: I’ll fire you all for Christmas
Look guys, back during the Smurfs 2 fiasco, I warned you all that the whole damn lot of you could be fired if anything quite so revolting happened again.
Well dammit, don’t any of you turkeys listen? Seriously, the frozen head of my old boss Walt Disney has more sense.
I just came into my office and found some new guy poking around.
The poor guy had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Seemed a nice young man, good manners, though I’m not sure that a North Korean soccer top is ideal workwear, even on Casual Friday. People might think we hire commies.
Anyhoo, the guy seemed pretty nervous, and bowed a lot. I’m not sure who hired this guy but he threw himself on the floor when he saw me, begging for my forgiveness for “Disturbing My Most Esteemed Personage” . You lot could learn a bit from him.
When I found him, he was poking around over behind my computer. He was even pulling some of those thumb drive things in and out of my computer, searching thoroughly and diligently.
I asked him what we was looking for. He looked a bit confused, I don’t think English is his main language, but then he told me it was teabags.
Teabags? Goddam filthy teabags.
I don’t know how many memos, emails, personal edicts I have had to send you guys about tea.
Here at Sony, we only drink The Devotea’s Lord Petersham. It’s our official tea. It’s in every kitchen.
And yet, I have to find out from a new employee that one of you is sending someone to my office to find disgusting, revolting, appalling, criminally bad teabags.
I’m the President of the damn company and yet it’s up to ME to have to instruct a new employee on our tea policy? Goddammit, I even had to show him the policy by logging onto my computer and letting him spend an hour or so browsing our system for policies. What OTHER policies are you guys not enforcing? The cake policy? The scone policy?
Seriously, the next one of you that fails to toe the line can forget about working on Spiderman 17 or the new Mario thing, I’ll transfer your ass to Pop Girl and reduce you to a six-figure salary.
Anyway, I’ve made the new guy, Kim-il-Spi, my new Semi Assistant Deputy Vice President for Tea. He’s suggested that I have him go though all of your computers and filing cabinets looking for instances where any of you may have deliberately ignored the tea policy, and I’ve agreed. Please send him your log-ins and passwords to [email protected]
I’m thinking of taking the rest of the year off to get over this. I can’t imagine anything worse that might happen to our company this year.
Anyway, I’ll sign off now as I have to go meet the new James Bond. Remember, it’s top secret as I’m stringing along a few high profile actors’ agents in the hope of a new yacht for Christmas.
Do better, guys.
Mikey.
😀 😀 😀