A few days ago I was contacted by Brooks Peck.
No, that’s not a tea company, it’s a guy. A guy who is a museum curator and who has co-written a Zombie film and a Yeti film for the Syfy channels. (That’s is gold in term of ‘street cred’ amongst most of my readers. I can hear your pulses quickening already)
So this guy sends me a message. And I’m reading it. And loving it. TO A POINT.
Here it is, with running commentary from my brain in red:
Hello. I’m the creator of a tea-themed word game (Lovin’ it so far!) for mobile phones (hopefully Android) called Tea Frenzy (love that). It’s a light-hearted game (well, I wasn’t expecting it to be anything else so far, but don’t let me interrupt you) where you use a flying teapot (That is fantastic) to catch teabags** (what did you say? What? NO NO NO NO What’s wrong with you? We were getting along SO well) with letters on them and spell words. (What? I’ve stopped listening) I realize that in reality a flying teapot would be a cause for concern, even terror, but hey, this is a video game. (Why? I chuck teapots around all the time. Feckin teab*gs is a much bigger concern, believe you me.)
Of course, I sent a considered response:
I am equal measure excited and appalled by your email. A small amount of research would have suggested to you that flying teapots were nowhere near the most alarming thing about your game for me: it’s the presence of teab*gs.
I am quite well known for throwing them across the room, so in a weird way it fits.
I love tea and I love words. It SHOULD suit me, but it’s those pesky bags. Surely you could have put the tea in little silver spoons arcing gracefully across the screen. Is that too much to ask?
In response, I got one of the standard justifications for his outrageous behaviour:
I understand your conflict. For my part, and at the risk of antagonizing you further, I’m not against the bags themselves, but definitely against the powdered crap tea found within them
Now, I think he’s getting into the spirit. People should have the proper level of fear when discussing teab*gs with me. Because as we know, people who say “Violence is never the answer” forget that the correct quote from my illustrious ancestor (the first Lord Devotea 1735-1810)*** is “Violence upon one’s fellow man is never the answer, unless the chap has the temerity to serve bad tea, in which case a solid thrashing is called for”.
So, anyway, I was warming slightly to the idea of a word game. I must tell you, I probably love the English Language more than I love tea. Or not. Depends on when you ask.
I guess it wouldn’t hurt to play it.
So I did.
It’s pretty simple. Fling the teapot at the letter-carrying ABOMINATIONS AGAINST NATURE and when you hit one, you get that letter. Make a word, click the teacup, get the points. Tap letters you accidentally collect and they disappear.
You’ve got allegedly 2 minutes, feels like 40 seconds.
I guess that fact that you need at least two, and up to five of the PAPER-AND-STRING NIGHTMARES to make one cup of tea does at least hint that these CRAPPY PSEUDO-TEA BASTARDS have all the strength of an asthmatic elderly squirrel drowning in jelly.
Nice to see my brain adding to the discussion again.
The biggest problem I have with the game is that I am rubbish at it. I have a best score around 600. But then, I don’t play video games a lot. I gave up around ‘Commander Keen’.
I think, on balance, that I might throw my support behind Mr Brooks Peck, despite the fact he clearly made his name up.
The game costs $2.76 in Australia on Android, which I am guessing is probably US$1.99. It’s simple but a little addictive.
Why I am supporting it is because, as I have previously said, teab*gs are a gateway where we can get kids into tea. And also into words, which is like, you know, awesome as.
I’m not say this game will turn your average teen from a coke-swilling, burger-scoffing malodorous zombie with a 40 word vocabulary into a human being, but for a couple of bucks it’s worth a try.
So, Mr Peck (IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME), I’m going to endorse Tea Frenzy… a bit.
Because I tell you right now, there’s not a person reading this blog that wouldn’t pay an extra dollar to have the letters fly across the screen on an antique silver teaspoon, a modest mound of Lord Petersham heaped upon it’s dainty concavity, the letter breezily carried aloft with strength and purpose.
Let me know when the Deluxe Loose Leaf Version is available, and the world will beat a path to your door. Proper Tea Drinkers will buy it in droves, just to be able to sneer at those unfortunates using the pedestrian version.
And I just know my friend and fellow tea blogger Geoff Norman also wants you to add some of those Zombies.
** I realise that it goes against my convention to not use the child-safe spelling teab*gs, but he started it
*** Not actually a real person, but what’s it to you?