Keepin’ it real

As dodgy as TV ‘reality’ singing shows like <insert your country here> Idol are, it’s still better to see great female singers front and centre, and not propping up some egomaniacal tuneless git with a jewellery fetish and a good dentist.

That’s not to say that the male singers on these shows aren’t great, but it seems it’s always easier to make it as a male ‘singer’ if you actually have no ability to sing whatsoever (I’m looking at you, Dylan. And Axl Rose springs to mind. And let’s not mention Lou Reed) or laughably limited ability (Jagger, Ferry et al) whereas to make it as a female, you have to be Adele or Aretha Franklin.

That’s not to say that there aren’t female singers so damn annoying they make you want to commit murder on perfectly innocent passers-by – that’s known as Streisand Syndrome  – but  that’s not the same as being unable to sing. It’s seems it’s always been tougher to make it as a headline act with limited vocal ability if you are female.

I’m loathe to criticise people for buying music that is spawned by people who can’t hold a tune or who are very poor at it – whilst my all time favourite act has arguably* the greatest singer ever, my second favourite  -The Cure- features Mr Robert Smith, who it must be said might hit ‘ordinary’ on a good day when it comes to singing. I understand that the personality, look, feel, structure, lyrics and emotional connection of music can touch something that you respond to.

But to switch to grumpy old man mode, we’ve now had at least ten years of track after track of some bloke reciting bad poetry over stolen music whilst a lady with a fine voice turns up to sing inanities in the chorus.

Was it ever thus? Probably. But it just seems to me that there’s such now a huge body of this, and for every Beyoncé  there’s a million 50 Cent’s.

At this point, I’m sure you’re asking “WHERE’S THE TEA” – we are nearly there.

But first: Ice cream.

Depending on where you live, it can be hard to get ice cream. You can go down the local grocery/deli/dépannuer/drugstore/milk bar/corner shop and buy something made by a multi-national that looks like ice cream  but check the packet and it’s probably “ice confection”.

This is because the treat you are buying has little or no cream. In Australia, you have to use 10% cream. In most cases, that doesn’t happen, so it’s “Ice confection” . In small letters.

“AND THE TEA”? I’m getting to that.

High Tea is popular right now. Let’s not have the argument about whether it should be called Low Tea or Afternoon Tea or whatever, we are talking about the meal where you turn up and scoff dainty stuff by the bucketload, seasoned with gossip and washed down by quantities of tea.

And I mean real tea.

Yes, I’m getting to the point.

High Tea with Tea Bags. It’s incredibly common, in both senses of that word. Hosts seem happy to dole out wonderful pastries, ribbon sandwiches, little cakes, macarons  tiny jellies, more scones than you can poke a jam covered knife at and freakin’ tea bags.

Why?

Is it part of the “this’ll do culture”. We don’t care if our pop stars can barely mumble or sign their own name? Who cares if our ice creams are made of starch and filler? “It’ll do.”

Or are people simply ignorant?

The next time you find yourself in a situation like this, help your host by throwing the “tea” up the nearest wall.

Scream at the host – after all, you need to be as helpful as possible, so you need to make sure they hear –“This is crap. I’m outta here.”

Depart through the door, looking back to scream “I’m keepin’ it real, dogs”.

It’s what Kanye would do.

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