I have been talking with the Official Teemeister of All Germany, Ken (@lahikmajoe), about his travails in a tea shop in Berlin. Via email, tweet, his blog, storify and live. It’s been big.
Basically, to boil it down, he found a teashop operated by a complete nutjob. Amongst other things this wingnut believes, he believes he has the right to add sugar to every cup of tea he serves. Because he’s like a chef and he knows what’s best for the tea.
He also believes that warming the pot damages the tea.
Sadly, this deluded fool needs to be run out of town – ALL towns,. not just Berlin – and be forced to live in a cave, drinking nothing but an infusion of his own socks – with precisely the correct amount of sugar, and always brewed in an unwarmed glass pot.
And of course, if I ever get to Berlin, this moron’s establishment with no doubt score very highly on my patented Scale of Arsonistic Deservability (see Burning Down the TEA House if you are not across this revolutionary concept)
One of the more interesting things – apart from Ken’s inability to be anything but nice, as opposed to slapping this curmudgeonly lack-witted panty-waist across the face with a hot (or hottish) teapot is that the guy has actually published his Golden Rules for Brewing tea. And of course, they are hilariously stupid. Mostly. I mean it’s hard not to agree with the idea of using fresh tea and keeping it fresh, but that’s not rocket science. A friend of mine works in rocket science, and he knows nothing about tea, but probably makes a better cup that this misbegotten whelpling of a she-bat.
But it occurs to me, that everyone from Lu Yu to George Orwell to this Berlin-based demented harbinger of the end of the world as we know it has created a list to try to tell you what’s right and correct and essential in your tea.
I’d like to take a different tack, and tell you what’s OK. What you can do, without ending the universe in a fiery ball of retribution from <insert your deity here>.
So here they are: THE DEVOTEA’S GOLDEN PERMISSIONS
Every teabag you ever had has not stained your soul – it is part of your journey toward great tea- as long as you never ever have another from this moment forth.
It is OK to add milk to your own cup of tea – I think it tastes better without, but it is your tea.
It is OK to add sugar to your own cup of tea – I think it tastes better without, but it is your tea.
It is OK to slum it with cheap, slutty teas – In the the same way that fabulously wealthy men married to gorgeous rich women are often caught with less attractive and very inexpensive prostitutes, it is human nature to lust after the forbidden. It is OK to want a CTC tea sometimes. And unlike Tiger Wood’s wife, your regular tea will not throw you out in your undeserving arse and take you to the cleaners, nor attack your car with a weapon. (Unless it is LapsangSouchong, no guarantees there)
It is OK to carry on your ancestor’s silly tea habits – Just because my grandmother believes that getting custard in your eye while pregnant means the baby will have mismatching eyes doesn’t mean that her habit of turning the pot three times clockwise, three times counter-clockwise and once back again is not valid.
It is OK to not automatically espouse that Pu-er or white is the best tea: Sure, you should try them all. But just as there are beer drinkers, wine drinkers and scotch drinkers, then if you prefer an English Breakfast blend from a decent supplier, then drink that most of the time.
It is OK to ignore fancy tea terms and use your own. If you find a tea earthy, or sweetish, or reminiscent of odd socks, you can say so. It actually helps. If an Antu Valley says to you “Like corn chips with strawberries and a hint of truffle, then that is what it is. If we tea drinkers start getting as precious as wine drinkers, how will we laugh at them.
It is OK to make tea the way you want to make it: Water not at 96.3 degrees? Teapot not made of rare Congolese clay with a giraffe-bone handle? Too bad! It’s your tea.
It is OK to mock other people’s earnest opinions of tea: Of course it is, just don’t be unkind about it, unless they really deserve it, then go in hard.
It is OK to react very, very badly to bad tea in a fancy establishment. Naturally! This may include “joking” about burning it to the ground, but perhaps just some carefully worded abuse or even an expression of disappointment: “Your English Breakfast made me the feel the same way as when Bambi’s Mother died” is perfectly reasonable.
It is OK to correct incorrect and ignorant assertions about tea: Dehydrating? Full of caffeine? Tell ’em otherwise and tell ’em very firmly.
So there you are. Anytime someone tries to hit you with “ten golden rules”, counter with the ELEVEN GOLDEN PERMISSIONS. They are better. By at least 10%
Noted with caee. Thanks.
Care, soz the writing is a bit small for the very myopic.
Excellent post, as always.
I knew when I was writing my measured response to the trip to King’s Teagarden, but I was thrilled to know that you’d be doing my dirty work for me, as you have.
Your Golden Permissions are really inspired. And I’d like to argue with them individually, but I’ll simply say that the way it’s worded is very good for everyone involved. Aside from your rather militant ‘no teabags…never teabags. No, not ever’ approach, I think this is a list of permissions most anyone could live with.
Your depiction of the teaseller I encountered is bombastic and a bit over-the-top. In this case, it’s absolutely called for.
I could sense your struggle to keep your blog above petty, vicious abuse.
Luckily I have no such qualms and stepped in to help.
Rather magnificently, I would suggest.
Is it okay to disagree with them? 😉
@xavier Disagreement sparks debate, so why not? Which tea permissions do you disagree with here?
Here are my thoughts on these permissions:
1 – My soul might continue to be stained very occasionally and reluctantly as I can’t promise “no more teabags ever.”
2 – Tea bag tea without milk is even worse than teabags with milk. Because the milk softens the blow of the baggy drink.
3 – Put in sugar if you really must, but dipping a cookie is better.
4 – If it’s okay to slum it with a slutty tea, why exclude tea bags? Go for it, it’s legal. But, lusting after the forbidden, would not include tea bags. Gosh. Not even in Australia, right?
5 – It’s okay to carry on silly habits, but it’s also okay to tell Grandma the whole teapot twiddling thing isn’t working. Because even without the custard, and the turning, baby now has mismatched eyes.
6 – If you think blends are better than Puer, then buy all your blends from http://the-devotea.com
7 – I wouldn’t want to try a tea that tastes of “old socks” but I would try earthy.
8 – Make tea the way you want to, but don’t blame the tea if you don’t like the taste.
9 – Mocking others is okay if you know them well, and they know you’re not being mean. Or if you’re British because it’s a gene thing.
10 – It’s not always okay to react badly, because tea doesn’t excuse rudeness. Not even bad tea. It’s okay to explain why tea didn’t taste good though. And to bring up Bambi. But his mom doesn’t count. That was fiction, bad tea is real life.
11 – It’s okay to correct other people, but accept that we all make mistakes, and there’s always someone who can correct us too.
Yours,
J.
Well, that’s comprehensive, Jackie. Some of those need some further comment.
1- Probably best not to mention it, and pretend it doesn’t happen.
5- depends on the size of your potential inheritance. If your Grandma’s surname is Rockefeller, just say “Yes, Grandma. More tea?”
7- It is customary to blame the tea in Chinese, according to some. See Number 9.
9- If you are going to be mocking, it’s best to be very good at it.
10- I have had cup of what appears to be a fictional equivalent of tea.
11 – Especially if one is always right
“I have had cup of what appears to be a fictional equivalent of tea.”
@thedevotea are you being British?