Tea Retail, Tea Stories

Burning Down The {TEA} House

I have a score to settle.

Yesterday, I went for walk down The Parade with Lady Devotea. As previously mentioned, that’s a street here in Adelaide. About 40 minutes away from our house.

On this occasion it was the Food and Wine Fair.

It was very hot – well very hot-ish – and we walked the length and breadth, poking into little homewares shops and and peering at stuff, avoiding the overdressed and drunk, which was most of the people there.

It was one of those occasions where various scantily-clad lasses checked out the bulge in eligible young gentleman’s pants. The one their wallet makes, of course.

Anyway, we wandered and looked.

Firstly, I didn’t partake in any of the food.

It was a combination of crowds, the sad looking mess that happens when quality restaurants drag a barbecue out the front of their premises and serve their meals on biodegradable plates, and most importantly, the mint-topped hedgehog slice I really wanted being equivalent to a whole weeks’ worth of food on my diet.

So, no food.

Also, no wine, because I don’t drink, and Lady Devotea didn’t wish to partake of any wine either.

You might reasonably ask why I might go to a Food and Wine event and not have any food or wine. Go on, ask, we’ve got time.

Tea, of Course.

I checked on-line beforehand, and there was a place called Argo On The Parade offering “Artisan Whole Leaf Tea”.

So after an hour’s hard walking – well, easy strolling, but we were very hot – we found ourselves at this place.

Lady Devotea ordered a smoothie with banana and mango and yoghurt and milk – I think sugar might have played a part.

And I feasted my eyes on rows of tea tins. About 30 maybe.

What to choose?

I asked the young lady who was serving me whether they could ice me one of their teas, and was very happy to hear they could. I asked for the Jasmine Silver Needle.

‘No’,  she said. “I think we’ve run out.”

She took down the tin and it was indeed empty. Helpfully, she collected the other white teas from the shelf. I asked to see the back of the “ginger and peach” to check that I wasn’t going to have any allergy problems.

Ah, no ingredients list upon the tin. Best pop the top and look inside.

OH MY GOD! WHAT MANNER OF BASTARDRY IS THIS?

ARRRGGHHHHHHHH! TEA BAGS.

TEA BAGS! TEA BAGS! THE LET”S CALL THEM SILK THOUGH THEY”RE NOT LET”S CALL THEM PYRAMID-SHAPED THOUGH THEY ARE NOT LETS CALL IT WHOLE LEAF THOUGH IT BLOODY CLEARLY BLOODY WELL ISN’T” KIND OF  TEA BAGS.

I think I nearly fainted.

And then, I did something horrific. Soemthing so vile that I can’t believe it. I’m sickened still.

I said “Oh well, that will have to do”.

By the time I got back to my seat I regretted it, but what was I to do? I was very dehydrated and very much in need of any liquid.

What turned up was amazing.

Amazingly bad.

For starters, they’d basically steeped the TEA BAG for too long, filled the glass with ice and there you go, sunshine!

Any moron would have thought that through and used two of the wretched vile TEA BAGS for a shorter time.

I drank it, muttering darkly. It was truly vile. Almost hard to keep down. When I got the ice cubes, the Adelaide Tap Water flavour was actually more pleasant. And we have the worst water for many a mile.

I then checked the docket, and found I”d been charged $6.40. $6.40, you have to be kidding. They would have made a large latte full of milk for less than that, and here it was, water, ice and shitty TEA BAG, for $6.40.

Bastards.

During a tea forum this morning, I asked the group if they thought burning the place down was too extreme a reaction, and apparently, it is. SOME people think this sort of thing does not quite deserve arson.

So, I have allowed my rage to burn in another direction.

From now on, when I find a place like this – a place that tell lies about its quality by using deceptive terms like “WHOLE LEAF”, I shall award a new rating, based on how bad it is, and how much it deserves to be burned to the ground.

I award Argo On The Parade  Four Petrol Cans out of Five On the Devotea Scale for Arsonistic Deservability.

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