Ask Lord Devotea (The Second Coming)

I have, at times, consented to share my wisdom with the world. This is one of those times.

Young Geoffrey, of Portland, USA, writes:

Dear Lord Devotea, why do people buy and consume terrible tea? In bags? What’s wrong with them?

Dear Geoffrey

Full marks for realising straight away is the big problem here is not the tea, but rather the sad, pointless existences led by people who buy bagged tea. Humanity is the result of some fish saying to itself, eons ago “surely I can do better than swimming around here all day, I’ll grow some legs and have a crack at that land thingy”. The teab*g drinking fish, however, would have said things like “no, this sea is good enough for you” and “you must be some sort of air snob”.

Even though these people clearly deserve our pity, there’s only so much pity one can spare, so I recommend giving them one chance. Explain how they are supporting virtual slavery in the manufacture of these things. Explain that they are one one taste notch above rabbit droppings. Explain that some might actually be rabbit droppings. Give then a teapot and a packet of tea you think might be to their taste.

If they respond well, you will have a new tea buddy.

If you ever see them with a teab*g again, cut them from your life. It’s the kindest option.

GN of USA, writes:

Dear Lord Devotea, I want to use a teapot and make proper tea at work, but Mr Bismark, my boss, says it is ‘too messy’. What should I do?

Dear GN

Sadly, this sort of ignorant half-wittery is all too common.

I’m going to assume that you are in that awkward space where you don’t have enough money for the two most obvious solutions: quit your job and embark on a two year tearoom tour of the world or pay to have your boss roughed up until he sees sense.

Your best hope is to explain that things are far messier when you don’t get your morning or afternoon cuppa. I suggest something like “Wow, Mr Bismark, I nearly had a terrible day yesterday. I almost set fire to all the incoming cheques, then I would have called the fire department, and then I would have been interviewed on the news, and of course I may have completely forgotten that I had these photos of you taken in a compromising position with some interesting, non-marital companions poking out of my top pocket. Luckily, I had a cup of tea and danger was averted. Now, I’d like to talk to you about increasing the office Darjeeling budget, and look, I have a birthday coming up so I’ll just leave this teapot catalogue here.”

If your boss does not take the hint, simply ‘accidentally’ use  a leaf blower in your office every time you are forced to go without proper tea for more than an hour.

Mr Norman, citizen of the world, writes

All my family know I love tea, but they don’t get it, and I keep getting teab*gs, not loose leaf, as a gift. They say it’s ‘the same thing’. How can I politely make them stop?

Dear Mr Norman,

You are obviously a great humanitarian, as you wish to treat with politeness those who are showing you such flagrant disrespect.

You could make an example of one or two but people are slow learners. I suggest you just take the principled decision to immediately react by setting fire to their gift, whilst screaming. “Oh no, you accidentally gave me teab*gs, luckily I have averted the crisis. Sorry about your carpet”.

It shouldn’t take long before this appalling practice stops, and we all know they will come to thank you in the future.

Note that names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or to disguise the fact that I made the questions up.

Further Note: If you were looking for serious answers to serious questions, then this blog is not the place. Try my profile page on Quora, where you will see I have mostly given very learned and serious answers to highly intelligent questions such as “Is there cannabis in green tea?”. So far, my answers have 68,000 views, which shows how desperate undiscerning people are for good tea info!

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